The Cubs' All-Time Futility Team

by Jeff Siegel

It’s easy to jump on the bandwagon when a team is playing its best baseball of the century, as so many people did when the Cubs played so well in 2003. But where, oh where, were all these fair weather, cable-sucking, "I’m 22 and the Cubs have never won anything in my ifetime" fans during the horrific days of dark despair? In other words, every other year since 1945.

So, as a public service for everyone who remembers the doughnut shop in the parking lot at Wrigley Field, Pat Peiper, bleacher seats that cost $1, Ray’s Bleachers, the B train to Addison, and Lakeview (not Wrigleyville), here’s a not-so-all-star team for those 62 years. And please read it with Steve Goodman’s “A Dying Cub Fan’s Last Request” playing softly in the background.*

1B – Dick Nenn, 1968. Leo Durocher brought Nenn in to replace Ernie Banks, whom Leo couldn’t stand. Nenn responded by hitting .181 with 2 home runs.

2B – Vic Harris, 1974. Not all ex-Texas Rangers are any good. Harris, who came over in the Fergie Jenkins trade, hit .185.

SS – Roy Smalley Sr., 1950. Not the son, who had a creditable career in the late 1970s and early 1980s, but the father, who committed 51 errors to go with a .230 average and 114 strikeouts.

3B – Carmen Fanzone, 1972. The next Ron Santo was a better trumpet player than third baseman, as his .225 average will attest.

LF – Scott Thompson, 1980. The next Billy Williams hit .212.

CF – Don Young, 1969. Enough said.

RF – Bobby Murcer, 1978. Bob Kennedy traded all-star third baseman Bill Madlock to the Giants in exchange for Murcer, because Madlock wanted a $300,000 contract. That Murcer, who hit 9 home runs, was already making $350,000 didn’t seem to bother Kennedy in the least.

C – Harry Chiti, 1956. How does one choose between Barry Foote, George Mitterwald, Steve Swisher, Todd Hundley, El Tappe, Tim Hosley, and Rick Wilkins? How about Chiti, the quintessential Cub for the wretched Cubs teams of the 1950s, none of which finished higher than fifth and were last or next to last six times? Harry did his part, batting .212 in ‘56.

U – Corey Patterson, 2005. No one sums up the underachieving Cubs teams under Dusty Baker better than Patterson, who was supposed to be the next Willie Mays yet managed to hit .215 with 118 strikeouts.

SP – Warren Hacker, 1953. 12-19 with a 4.38 ERA.

SP – Bill Bonham, 1974. 11-22. Bonham’s teams were so awful that he was a mainstay for seven seasons.

SP – Glenn Hobbie, 1960. 16-20. And his teams were so awful he was a mainstay of the rotation for six seasons.

SP – Ernie Broglio, 1964. Yes, that Ernie Broglio.

SP – Frank Castillo, 1996. 7-16, 5.28 ERA. I once asked Fergie Jenkins, who was the Cubs’ pitching coach in the mid-1990s, about Castillo, and his silence was deafening.

RP – Mel Rojas, 1997. 0-4, 4.42 ERA, and the anti-star of the team that set a National League record by losing its first 14 games of the season.

RP – Oscar Zamora, 1976. Remember Bruce Sutter? This wasn’t him, allowing 70 hits in 55 innings with a 5.24 ERA.

Manager – Lee Elia, 1983. So many deserve the honor of leading this team. There are the men who made up the college of coaches in 1961, when Phil Wrigley hired an athletic director and rotated managerial duties among Vedie Himsl, Harry Craft, El Tappe, and Lou Klein. There is Preston Gomez, he of the 38-52 record in 1980, as well as Jim Riggleman, who skippered the 1997 record-setters. And let’s not overlook Baker, whose teams got progressively worse – much worse -- after the 2003 debacle. But how can anyone be more perfect than Elia? He not only lost a lot (a .446 percentage over two seasons), but issued one of the great tirades in the history of baseball – against Cubs fans, for, as he so eloquently pointed out, they are the real reason the Cubs have been so bad for so long. “The motherfuckers don't even work. That's why they’re out at the fuckin’ game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin’ job and find out what it’s like to go out and earn a fuckin’ living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin’ world is working. The other 15 percent come out here.”

Editor's Note: The Cubs open the season on April 2 in Cincinnati. The Cubs' home opener is April 9 against the Astros.

(Photo of Corey Patterson via The Chicagoist. To hear Elia's R-rated tirade, please see the slideshow below.)



*To listen to "A Dying Cub Fan's Last Request" and a baseball season music set, tune into the podcast, "iVoryTowerz Radio: No. 9 Dream."

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